A window to our Been Up 2 account
Checkout what I’ve BeenUp2!Add comment April 18th, 2009
It’s been Forever. But there’s more to come…
So we changed the layout of the site (J wants you to know it’s not finalized!), and when we did the login page for me to write posts disappeared!! ack! It took me this long to corner J into helping me figure out how to write new posts, and so here is the first installment of hopefully a bunch more to catch up on. The pictures below are all from a time in March when I spent 5 days in Harrisburg watching my lovely little nephew while Josh and Tonya were at work, and while J was away in Seattle. Great fun!
growing so much already!
Cousins! Having fun!!
Telling eachother stories!
Holding Hands..
Add comment April 18th, 2009
Dear Jonah
Dear Jonah,
You are such a spunky little guy. I can only imagine what you will be like as the years go by. You have just turned 6 months old, and already are well on your way to crawling. And it is simply because of your tenacity. You set your eyes on something and are willing to do whatever you can to obtain it.
Yesterday I was watching and listening to you make your screeching and growling noises while you tried to reach out for a toy you wanted. I almost went to your rescue to give it to you like I normally do, but then decided to wait. After a few minutes you had scooted yourself to it and were happily enjoying your toy. I don’t think we’re going to have to worry about you not expressing yourself. (hmm, that could be your mother in you) While I was watching you enjoy yourself I felt God remind me that when you are older, I will have to sit back sometimes and not hand you what you need- but let you struggle a bit to get it so that you can learn. In this case it was simply so that you will learn to crawl, that you will gain the strength in your body to be able to grow. But when you are older it will be other things. We’ve got some big adventures ahead!
I know that you will be one who sets his sights on the horizon, dreams big and bigger, and does everything to reach his goals. The sky is the limit little guy, and we will do everything we can to get you there.
Love,
your mom and dad.
3 comments February 5th, 2009
Tio, y Tia. Bienvenido, Simeon Tsubasa Clark!
Just call me Aunt. Aunt K, because that’s what I am now!! WAHOO! 
Josh and Tonya had their wee bundle of joy/cuteness/love. J’s an Uncle too. We’re both pretty excited about our new titles.
Yes, I know most of you have just ignored all this text, all my happy Aunty ramblings, and just scrolled right past this to the pictures. But just for myself I want to say that I am so proud to have you in the family Simeon! You are such a special little boy, and I know that there is so much Promise, Hope, Laughter, and Life for you.
Tonya went into labor around 2:30am on Tuesday… I spoke to Tonya at 8 something in the morning and she seemed pretty fine, talking through her contractions, and it felt like the birth would be a while- even though her water had broken. However, my sister and Simeon, decided to take us all by surprise, and from 12-1pm, she went from 5cm’s dilated, to 10cm. Time to push! I was in my car driving by 3:30- and Jonah and I met Simeon at the hospital by 7- less then 6 hours after he was born. Jonah was so excited… he kept sticking his tongue out, smiling at everyone, and making funny zerber spit noises. He’s a bit of a ham. (I have no idea where he got that from.)
Tonya is doing great, both her and Josh are tired (normal), but Simeon is a GREAT eater, and all seems to be well. Even his first 2 nights home he slept fairly well throughout the night! Amazing! I think the 2nd night he even slept better then Jonah! (we’re having some sleep issues with Jonah. aka, he’s amazing at going to sleep, going down for naps, etc- hardly any fussing at all… but in the night he wakes and fusses sometimes up to 5 times!!! what the?!?!!!)
Though they had some names, they hadn’t decided for certain what Simeon would be called- so for a short bit Simeon you were called “Boy Clark”.
Simeon and Tonya less then 6 hours after birth- they both look amazing!!!
Proud Papa:
Jonah loves his Aunt Tonya:
Jonah and Uncle Josh playing when meeting Simeon:
Jonah and Simeon:
Cutey:
Baby Simeon:
The happy family:
2 comments January 18th, 2009
Sick child=About as fun as having my teeth knocked out.
It started when my sister and I awoke on New Years day in the middle of the night- with burning stomachs. It progressed to frequent trips to the toilet, and for my dear 9 month pregnant sister- a trip to the hospital for 2 days.
Be forewarned. This post may be more candid on topics such as vomit and poo then you are comfortable with, read at your own risk.
Tonya was sick and with it coming out both ends, made it the hospital extremely dehydrated, with the amniotic fluid around her baby at a low. Very dangerous. We’re all extremely grateful that the baby is okay, and she is fine now. As of yesterday, she’s dilated 2cm’s… Continuing on in the Burgher-daughter tradition of dilating before labor with minimum affects.
I recovered quickly that day, just lots of discomfort, loss of appetite, and a bit of the big D. (diarrhea for those folks not initial literate). Our Rose Bowl party was cancelled that day, and then to add insult to injury J got sick a few days later. On the Friday night into our weekend. Can I just say that he is the LOUDEST puker in known history?! His echoes in our toilet bowl still resound. Also, a few hours into it he was begging me for a zofran. (miracle drug to stop puking given to me in my 1st trimester- given to tonya at hospital) I gave him one. And then several hours later when he resumed puking I witheld them telling him that it all needed to run it’s course out of his body. He wasn’t thrilled with my decision and probably would have fought me to the death on it, except he was too weak from so much shooting out both ends.
It was really hard to be the mom and wife last week. Trying to clean and sterilize everything constantly so that Jonah didn’t get it, or I didn’t give it to Jonah, while J is using our one and only bathroom, and in our bedroom was difficult. Not to mention trying to monitor his fluid intake, get him to keep drinking, and take care of (though absolutely adorable- see picture above for a refresher) 5 month old child was entirely overwhelming at points. Not to mention that I didn’t have a break the night before because J had to finish a proposal and came in late from work. So I took care of Jonah solely, from Friday 6am on through the entire weekend till Monday evening when J came home.
Oh I forgot to mention. That Sunday night Jonah got sick and puked twice. Had a fever. And the poos of dead animals rotting in my sons colon started. J did a children’s tylenol run to CVS, and I called his pediatrician in the middle of the night to see what to look out for and what she thought… We went in to see her the next morning. Jonah has not gained much in the last month- but they attributed it to being so sick. Understandable, but it threw me into a funk of feeling like a bad mom for about 24 hours. Don’t worry, I”m okay now.
My two friends here both have 3 month old babies. They have things to worry about like, oh, not getting their babies sick, and you know minor things like their milk supply. Sheesh. So yeah, I didn’t see anyone for a week. For the record: I totally can’t blame them- I would have thought twice about seeing them myself. But I got lonely. And tired.
On Friday I started feeling a bit funky. Maybe cramps? Um, no. Maybe the STOMACH FLU!? Yes, it was. By the time J walked in the door I was fairly certain that this burning in my belly was not a good thing. No, it was an evil vile thing- and in fact, it wanted OUT! So I spent all Friday evening and most of the day Saturday in bed. Let’s just say that I do not want to eat rice or seaweed (a favorite treat of mine- thank you to Korea), in a LOooong time! J came home at the perfect time, taking care of Jonah my entire sickness- through the evening, the night and most of the entire day Saturday…
Until last night at 11:30… when I was just finishing pumping (not ‘up the jam’ silly people!), I heard this weird noise from Jonah’s room. A “ACKKKKGULGUGGG” and then squeak. And then, quiet. I asked J and he said it was Jonah and he’s sure he was fine. I went in to check. That’s what mothers do. And what I saw totally TOTALLY freaked me out. Jonah had oatmeal before going to bed. (first time we’ve fed him solids before bed- he was in heaven, and loved it… at the time.) And it was everywhere. He had vomited it up. In his clothes, like a soup around his neck. Smelling like sour, rotten milk. (Oh i GAG to remember). I got some wipes, thinking I could just clean around his neck, but the more I cleaned the more I found, then I gently rolled him on his side to find a POOL a FRICKIN PUDDLE FOLKS of the puke. The whole back side of his head bathed in this disgusting substance. While I am trying to clean him up (now with wet rags, and tons of wipes) I find it’s all over. Soaked through his pj’s… and under no circumstance can I be a good parent and leave him in these. J’s providing helpful commentary of ideas of what to do while I am cleaning and cooing and trying not to freak out. So he gets me some new pjs, and we start to chance Jonah, who is acting very odd- he’s not waking, he’s not protesting, in fact the child appears drunk. When we’ve stipped him down, he starts choking. He turns a brilliant red, and I start freaking… “J, he’s not breathing he’s not breathing…!!!” I’m holding him upright, and we’re both looking at Jonah. J is not freaking out. He’s telling me that Jonah is puking, and he’s breathing fine, he’s just heaving. Um. Okay, so he was right. But gosh, it’s really freaky to see a baby puke. And did Jonah puke. He upchucked so much it was sad. After every puking spell, he fell back into a coma of sleep, exhaustion, and cold sweat. I was not comfortable laying him back in his crib- I didn’t know if we would hear him, and was afraid of him choking on his own vomit. (didn’t someone in the Bible die of that?, seriously!) So I sat in our big arm chair in the living room, faced it towards the couch and armed myself with 2 bottles (via J’s help) 1.Pedialyte. 2.Milk. an arsenal of burp cloths. and a blanket. J was sitting with me, when I was asking him to help and I have no idea how he can do this but he did. He fell asleep, sitting up on the couch facing me. My husband was literally asleep in a situation like this. I have got to hand it to him, he can sleep through ANYTHING. So I sent him to bed, and proclaimed him useless from this point on until he could wake up. He was so asleep he could barely protest.
For the next 2 hours, every 15 minutes at least, Jonah woke up gagging, puking, heaving, dry heaving, turning red, gasping for breath, doing a little cry, and finally was just puking nothing but very yellow bile, and spit. It was so sad. By 1:30 I decided to call the Dr., or the registered nurse on the 24 hour hotline our health insurance provides. The nurse encouraged us to go to the ER. So I called his pediatrician. She also said the same. I woke J. I had him hold Jonah while I rushed around the house, getting dressed, packing diaper bag, extra pj’s for Jonah, etc… and getting J’s clothes too. Adrenaline kicked in. Mind you, I looked like crap. I had the stomach flu myself all day, and hadn’t had a shower in going on my 3rd day. Real pleasant, a real looker.
Anyhow, we got to the ER. Jonah was pale as a ghost, soft spot sunken, eyes dark, but no fever… He not only gagged when I tried to give him fluids, but he would gag when I would see if he wanted his beloved pacifier! We’d been lucky and until we got to the hospital no more dead animals exiting out of his hind end… When we got into our room in the ER, (small interlude: the car was COVERED In a SHEET of ice, the roads were scary, but the hospital is under 1 mile away, and get this, it has a PEDIATRICS ER! how convenient is that?! YAY!) Jonah let the dead animal (who we suspect may eat rotten yogurt) rip. And then we found that the wipe case in th ediaper bag hadn’t been properly closed last time and all the wipes had dried out.
Let’s just take a moment to savor the joys and realities of being a parent in all seasons. Now, just look at the photo at the top and remind yourself that it’s also wonderful beyond words.. I mean, would you just LOOK AT THAT CUTENESS!
Okay, back to the story, the Dr- who was eastern European and very very nice- gave Jonah a Zofran, and then we waited. After 30 minutes we attempted to give him the apple flavored pedialyte we had brought. For the record, Jonah has a zero for four record for liking anything apple flavored. So the nurse gave us some “Light cherry flavor” pedialyte, via a plastic syringe, and we fed him that, every 10 minutes, 5-10cc’s at a time. . . He gulped it down. Around 4 he screamed for about 30 minutes, extreme exhaustion and hunger had set in… but slowly the color started to return. By 5am, they were ready to let us go home, and Jonah had fallen asleep in my arms.
We skated, oh I mean, drove, home and thanked God again that we live so close to the hospital, and a hospital with a Pedatrics ER? That’s just downright wonderful. An ease on these parent’s hearts.
So the day has gone on. We’ve taken turns feeding Jonah, changing him (the dead animal who died of a rotten yogurt overdose still resides in his colon- prayers for his complete expulsion appreciated) and sleeping ourselves. I’m exhausted- but starting to feel relaxed like our baby is going to be okay, and I”m not going to have to watch him like a hawk anymore. As I type, he’s taking his first real nap of the day (it’s 3:00 in the afternoon, very late for him, even with a full nights sleep!), J is watching the Eagles/Giants game, and all is turning right side up in our world again.
I’ve got about 2 loads of laundry to do, just from those 2 hours last night, and I can’t imagine if we had all gotten sick at the same time. I’m totally fed up with this flu, and am praying for it’s demise. No more! I’m also wondering how long we are contagious. My birthday is this week and I”d like to not be quarantined the whole week!!! For crying out loud!
5 comments January 11th, 2009
Worship to Fly to.
Just got this rec in from wonderful friend, Kerri. She told me to listen to a song that she loved, Just One, but that’s apparently been disabled from being played on the myspace link she sent. So I instead clicked on Fly. And that’s been on repeat ever since. Jonah stops and stares towards the sound of the song as long as it’s being played, and is completely still. God’s presence fills our house while it plays, it strikes a chord in both him and I apparently.
Click here to go to the myspace page, and then click on “Fly” on the music part to the left to hear what we’re listening to.
And then I’ll leave you with a poem, from the artist, Jonathan David Helser’s “thoughts” on his website.
“the father is not seeking prophets, he is looking for listing ears, thats what makes a prophet.
the father is not seeking pastors, he is looking for foot-washers and shepherds, thats what makes a pastor.
the father is not seeking evangelists, he is looking for hearts that bleed with passion for the lost, thats what makes a evangelists.
the father is not looking for apostles, he is looking for bondservants who are Fathers to his children, thats what makes an apostle.
the father is not seeking workers, he is looking for worshipers, thats what his heart seeks.”
2 comments December 29th, 2008
From Pemba to Mieze, and beyond. Iris meets grass roots development.
Don Kantel, with Mieze adopted children:
We love Iris Ministries. Meet Don and Elizabeth Kantel. Missionaries to Mozambique, directors of the Iris Pemba base, and champions of development for this region of the world. Here is their latest newsletter. But first, a video of this cool elderly lady in Mozambique:
And this is the Kantel’s latest newsletter… all about the recent developments going on with the children, the livestock, and the transforming of these communities. Sometimes a little money, in the hands of wise visionaries can go a long long way.a
Pemba, Mozambique
November 22, 2008
Dear Friends and Partners in Ministry,
The focus of this Ministry Report is harvest—natural and supernatural. I know it’s a little late in the year for Canadians to be thinking about harvest, but harvest is our year-round focus here in Mozambique, both spiritual and material. In fact, as we were preparing to come to Pemba in 2005, we registered harvestinafrica as our email address as a declaration of our purpose for being here!
The Harvest…Down on the Farm
Our children’s village and wider ministry into the whole Mieze community continue to be a source of much spiritual fruit. But part of what brings delight to the 40 resident kids in the “Village of Love” these days is enjoying the fruit of their patience and labors in our farming projects. For example, we currently have a fourth cycle of 400 meat chickens about halfway to table-ready. And that’s a harvest that is now eagerly anticipated by these young farmers for whom a chicken dinner is the best reward imaginable.
We’ve also been feeding and caring for 80 laying hens which arrived as day-olds six months ago. Six months is an eternity in a culture where planning and working for the future is a rarity. But right on schedule, the first eggs appeared a couple of weeks ago. The kids were so excited and couldn’t wait to show them to me. Several hundred eggs later the kids are still excited to retrieve every egg that’s laid. They love hard-boiled eggs and are gradually being introduced to other egg dishes. Eggs for food are a rare luxury in rural Mozambique and our kids and staff are very thankful for the blessing of God they are experiencing through this bounteous harvest.
A few weeks ago, one of our young goat-herders came to me with a serious expression and told me about something that had happened to one of our goats. He used a Portuguese word I didn’t recognize. Searching for a clue to what he was saying I asked, “How did that happen?” He gave me puzzled look and walked away. I later learned that the first of our goats was pregnant!
We bought very young goats last March; and after eight months of looking after them, they are now reaching maturity. That will mean baby goats, milk, and much-coveted goat meat in the weeks ahead. More harvest! The new baby kid was born Friday night—black and white like its mother. When we arrived for the Saturday children’s program, the Mieze kids were so excited to tell us the news and we got to visit the new family together.
And on our 40-acre Mieze farm, the mango harvest is just beginning. We have over 50 large mango trees laden with delicious fruit, and this harvest will continue for about three months. A church in Ontario recently took a special offering to “buy” the yield from the farm during this harvest time so we could give it away instead of having to sell it. So we’re now supplying quantities of mangos to hundreds of Mieze children through the church, as well as providing mangos for kids at the Pemba Base and the adjacent Noviane project.
And we have just begun to divide the open farmland into half-acre plots for assignment to church families to grow produce for food for their families and to sell. A portion of what they harvest will also be given to the church for distribution to the poor and for use in the children’s village. This “church co-op” will be an interesting farming experiment. And we look forward to many kinds of harvest resulting in the months ahead!
The Harvest…Spiritual Bounty
The Iris Pemba Base is surrounded by nearly 50,000 poor villagers…almost all of whom would call themselves Muslims. One of our challenges over the past few years has been to develop effective ways of reaching villagers—and especially village kids—with tangible expressions of the love of God. We’ve had various kinds of food programs but hadn’t been able to combine these very effectively with Christian content until recently.
Our Christian primary school has been our first successful sustained effort. About 580 village kids attended this past year in addition to about 130 resident Iris kids…and we had to turn some village kids away due to overcrowding. Now we’ve added three more classrooms for the new school year which begins in late-January.
In the past few months, we have begun a daily program of Bible teaching, stories, games and a hot meal for village kids. This is a high-energy program (conducted mostly in the Makua tongue) involving many staff and helpers each day for an hour and a half; and we’re now getting close to 600 kids out every day! Many have already accepted the Lord, are praying, and are even having visions of Jesus! More and more of these kids are also now coming regularly to our Pemba church services, where we’ve also just begun to have a separate children’s hour. Then we feed 800 or more children plus hundreds of adults every Sunday following church.
We’ve recently been training leaders from Mieze to run a similar village children’s program there…as a Saturday-only program. The past two Saturdays were our first for this new program. It was attended by over 300 children the first week and over 350 this week! I don’t know who enjoys it more: the kids or the leaders! The first week, we had prepared rice and beans to serve 150; and yet all 300 or more received a full serving. God seems to like doing that for these precious Mieze kids!! Mieze Pastor Juma thinks we could easily have 600 or more kids coming regularly to such a program. However, we don’t have covered space for more right now…and won’t have until our new church and community building is ready for use in about four months. We’re going to call this new program the “Bandeira Club.” Bandeira is the Portuguese name for the giant Baobab trees that are common in this region. But it also means “banner”; and the Mieze kids sing a song that says, Sou a bandeira…I am the banner (that proclaims Jesus’ love)!
And finally…after many months of planning and praying it looks like we may be about to acquire some property on Ibo Island to begin our next major project. This will be a challenging new initiative for many reasons. We’ll write more about this in our next Report.
For information and pictures describing the “Mieze Model” for village transformation please see http://web.mac.com/kantels And for pictures and updates on the new adaptation of the Mieze Model in Noviane village, please see http://www.irismin.ca/nmohsp
Sowing and Reaping…
We all love to see the harvest; but many biblical passages remind us that harvest depends on faithful sowing and watering. The sowing that’s bringing the harvests described above includes the prayer and personal financial support that enable us to be ministering here in northern Mozambique as your partners in this harvest. Our personal support has been very low throughout 2008…frequently less than $1,000/month. In the mercy of God, the harvest is out of proportion to what has been sown to date; but our needs have to be met for us to continue this wonderful work. Personal as well as project support can be directed through Iris Ministries Canada for tax receipts. Please see their website for details at http://irismin.ca
With continued love and appreciation,
Don & Elizabeth
Add comment December 20th, 2008
Jonah’s Laughter.
This is one of the very first time’s that I have played peek-a-boo with Jonah in which he actually wasn’t scared or startled by my “boo”. As you can see we’re not only getting smiles these days but deliciously cute laughter!
1 comment December 12th, 2008
Awakened.
I want to just share a bit of my heart this morning. Please know that this is not the whole story, and I’m trying to be honest in my struggles and failings. If you see in this places where I’m still wounded, you’re most likely right- I’m on a journey. That being said, I wanted to write this out, so that if any of you have been influenced in these same ways as I have, maybe you can find a little bit of the hope and awakening that I have begun to walk in again.
Some of you know more details than others of the journey J and I have been on with our faith, with us and church in a building. Recently I had a major breakthrough. For months, okay let’s be honest, a couple years I have had this slow ebbing further and farther away from church in a building. Or so I thought that’s what it was. But really, it was further and farther away from the leaders that I had respected for so many many years. And consequently, away from my desire to prophesy, to journal, to dream, to dance, and ultimately my desire to spend time alone with God.
When I was a teenager I was radically impacted by a spiritual awakening called “renewal” that was centered out of Toronto Canada, and started a whole new wave of ministers, and churches.. “renewal churches”… Many of the leaders at that time, and the leaders raised out of that impacted my life in so many ways. For their roles in my life I am forever thankful. Thankful for their faithfulness, for their passion to seek God in those days, and to share and impart that with me. Many of them I have personal friendships with, and will always have that.
However in the past few years, J and I have gone through much. Having been somewhat spiritually abused at one church, under the guise of “apostolic covering”, and seeing many things like the recent abuse of the Holy Spirit in “smoking jehovah-juana”, not to mention hearing stories of building funds gone awry, offerings that were taken that never went to the need expressed, seeing the children of some ministers be so hurt by their parents inability to take care of their family before their ministry, seeing prophetic individuals come into congregations and do nothing but “prophesy” sugar coated sayings and cliches to make everyone feel good and follow the senior pastor, hearing sermons about being rich and how life is supposed to be perfect and if it’s not i’ve somehow missed it. .. Those are just a small sampling of things I’ve found to be the bones, or just bad fruit. But this isn’t about those things, so I won’t get into them any more- except later to explain the one that sent me over the edge.
I’ve been thinking about what first got me into renewal, into this stream of Christianity. It was intimacy. It was the hours of sitting in worship to David Ruis playing “Whom Have I But You”, hearing John Wimber expound for hours about the intimacy of God, it was the visions of my Father God I had while laying on the floor in worship while all around me His presence seemed to swirl and eddy.
Recently J listened to a podcast by Mike Bickle (International House of Prayer). Forgive me if I get this not quite adequately described. But in it Bickle was saying that when God says in the Lords prayer, “your Kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven” - that his encouragement wasa to take that as about intimacy with God. About the face to face closeness we will have with him, being here, as it is in heaven, let it be here on earth. This was and is so good. For so many reasons!
For a long time I’ve been swept up in the heaven earth revelation, but not on the intimacy track. No, on the track of healing. So as in heaven there is no sickness, no illness, no cancer, let it be here on earth… And living in that, pulling heaven down to earth. (which there is nothing wrong with, unless it’s without love or intimacy!) In the midst of that, I’ve heard countless teachings on that being the basis for a godly pursuit of prosperity, earthly power and personal glorification. Out of all of this, I somehow lost touch with the simplicity of intimacy. Of sitting with my Lord, in the stillness, the quiet, and worshipping- and that being TOTALLY ENOUGH. In fact, more than enough, that being all that I desire.
“I’ve finally found where I belong, in Your presence, it’s to be with you” (the worship song playing on our ipod right now while I write)
When it came right down to it, because 9 out 10 things I was hearing was all about doing doing doing, I started to shut down. Most of the people around me were all into bless me clubs, going to conference after conference, with occasional bursts of going out and praying for people. But no one really having real relationships with these people outside of the church. This is one reason why J and I loved leaving everything for Boston. We needed to find friends outside. We needed to see if we could be Jesus with no one else around us blessing us constantly. We did it. And for 2 years we had more friends that weren’t Christians, than were. It was a total change, a complete turn around in our lives. It challenged us to find so many things that we would never have been able to test and see. We found the meaning of us that verse “Christ in you, the hope of glory…”
Okay, back to my point. I am trying to explain my recent awakening. For some reason over the years I was getting farther and further from Jesus.
When the recent “apostolic” commissioning of a well known minister occurred on a televised stage I was seriously jaded. I had doubt and was so hurt. This was prophesied to be “the spokesman for the new generation” and so much more. And yet, everything in me had red flags. Most of these people didn’t know this minister personally, didn’t know his family life activities, personal heart issues and dreams. They only knew them from their on-stage words and healings, salvations, and anointing. “And these 3 remain, Faith, Hope and Love, but the greatest of these is Love.” . .. yes we should know them from their fruit, but did we ever think that maybe fruit isn’t just a bunch of miracles? ? Anyways, J and I had some major qualms about this public show of trust and prophecy. This blind faith for the whole body of Christ to trust this minister, when there were some major things (physical abuse, i.e. pushing, shoving, hitting, people to get them healed for one) (basic scriptural and doctrinal wrongs preached)… When this minister fell into adultery, when it was brought out they had been abusing alcohol while ministering…
I was so angry. Not at that minister. I felt, and continue to feel so much sorrow for him, for his family. I pray that he can hear our Father’s heart, and be fully restored someday. To say I want him to be judged or disciplined and kicked while he’s down is such a load of crap. I want the best for this man and his family… I am sincerely heart broken over his choices. I’m not angry with him. No, I was angry at the ministers who never apologized for not showing us a good example. I was angry at their blatant disregard for their actions in vouching for this ministers character when they were so obviously wrong. I was mad at the “chief apostle” who afterwords said of those he had as ’spiritual sons/daughters’, “My track record for the 18 is 72% emerged as real winners (you would know most of them), 17% ended up losers (this minister that I am referencing), and 11% indecisive. I’m sorry for the losers, but they prove I am not perfect”. WHAT THE HECK!?!?! Is that what being a father in the faith is about? NO! Is that the heart of my Father God? NO! Does my earthly Father consider me a loser if I make mistakes ?! NO! Never. I was angry that none of them could simply say they were sorry.
So I went to counseling. I went because I was tired of feeling so distant from God. I had none of this in my front vision, it was on the peripheral, annoying me, but not consuming me in any way. And when I got into the counseling session. And I was asked to visualize Jesus in the room with me, with all my pain and distance… I couldn’t picture him. I could only picture these leaders, these ministers. People I had trusted, that I could no longer trust.
And I realized that because they do have legitimate fruit in their lives, in their ministries, because I do sincerely believe that they know the same God as me, and that for the most part their fruit is all real and amazing and beautiful- I couldn’t separate them from Jesus. They were in Him, and therefore, in some twisted way,
I could no long trust Jesus, my Father.
And that is a horrible place to be. A lonely, hard, place to be.
Through prayer and the counsel in those couple hours I began to realize that though He gives gifts to His kids, he doesn’t take them away- even if they misuse them, and though they represent Him, he doesn’t leave them. . . but He also doesn’t condone all the things that they do. That He is Holy, Righteous, and full of Character. That He does value Integrity over Anointing. That He has not forgotten me.
And this changed everything. The place I put those leaders in my life was not right, I elevated them to a level that they weren’t meant to have, so that when they disappointed me, I couldn’t separate them from God. I put myself into a corner. I have not thrown the baby out with the bath water. In fact I’ve only thrown out the bad fruit in that bath water.
I still listen to these ministers, I still honor who they are, and their role in my life, but I do not mourn that I am different than them. I believe that at the end of the day Love is the most important thing.
I confess my judgments of churches, of the way they’ve been done, are done, the bad attitudes I’ve had in the last couple years. I am sorry. I am sorry for in any way I have influenced any of you to pick up and carry my hurt and rejection and frustration. I am sorry where I may have rejected, frustrated or hurt you.
I desire to walk humbly and intimately with my Father God. I want to know His heartbeat, I want to feel His presence everywhere, every day. If miracles follow (which they will) this road, then so be it. But that’s not what I desire above everything. Above everything I desire Love.
4 comments December 8th, 2008
The Life and Times
My sister, Tonya and her baby bump with me and Jonah..
On a little walk...
Jonah loves his Mr Blue Bear
J and Jonah at Thanksgiving
Jonah and his Aunt Tonya
Playing on our bed
Two days before Benjamin Fish was born we went to look at pumpkins with Bill and Caroline
Family picture on our new front stoop.
3 comments December 6th, 2008
Harvard Magazine
Yes, there is a magazine called the “Harvard Magazine”, and J has received it ever since he graduated. It’s pretty large and full of interesting things that alumni are saying, have studied, or discovered, and the real estate they are selling or have bought. In the back of the magazine they have a classified section. For the Harvard community. I love to read the the “personals” section. I have never found or seen anything like it before, and I think it’s amazing and hysterical all in one breath. I thought I would take a moment, and share with you a few of them.
“I want to lie in bed on rainy Sundays and talk to my lover- about Jungian psychology or evolutionary theory or the Punic Wars. Then again we could just play blackjack. I am tall, slender and athletic, looking for a perceptive, confident man, 52-60+ in the Boston area who likes my Sundays too…”
“I may be the software for your hardware, in the most non-technological way. Real Estate entrepreneur seeks handsome adventurer 48-56 to hold hands through planetary exploration. Vital statistics: 5′4, 110lbs, pretty in the light, gorgeous in the dark. Favorite song: “Come on Baby Light My fire”. Favorite activity: Burning bright. …”
i could write more, but i will wait till next months issue. yes, they are real, no i am not making them up.
1 comment November 21st, 2008
New videos and pictures.
We definitely have fun at home, well. I mean, I make up fun. Don’t worry I folded all the laundry, and the child was fine. He quite enjoys fresh warm laundry actually.
He’s just so darn good looking!
My two men. Looking both happy and sleepy at the same time. Aah, I love them!
I love this picture, it smells good, looks good, and what is it about a sleeping baby that is so beautiful?
3 comments October 28th, 2008
Where have all the Good Samaritan’s gone?
I just want to tell the story of what happened today.
Today I went to Target, to get some things for Jonah and myself. Jillian’s work out video (from Biggest Loser), a bottle drying rack, some little pants in 3-6 month size, a wall mirror. Simple things. A door mat. I had all these things in the bottom of his snap n go stroller, paid for them… and the Cashier put them in ENORMOUS bags. So big, I would not have been able to carry them. SO. I asked if she had smaller bags, to which she looked at me and said, “yes, i have smaller bags.” and turned away. I guess that meant she didn’t want me to have them?
Well, whatever the case. I couldn’t push a stroller, carry the mirror, and lug two bags, barely full that were touching the ground as I walked… So i parked the stroller and mirror out of the traffic of people, and took 2 small (regular sized bags) from an empty check out and put all my items in them. They fit perfectly. I then wheeled JOnah and myself to the food place, and since he was a bit restless, and not wanting to be in a car trying to find my way home with a kid who has turned from restless to hungry and is screaming for food… I pulled out his bottle of breastmilk (just had to say that so you all know I am not giving him formula, lol) put it on the table, and then picked him up.
This is when the drama enfolded. I made the cardinal mistake of picking a baby up out of a stroller, with nothing in the bottom of the stroller, and everything loaded onto the handles of the stroller. It was mayhem. Everything went toppling over, including his car seat which went flying since I didn’t have it strapped in. My purchases all over the floor. And me, standing there with a googling happy Jonah (thank God he was happy), and all my stuff… everywhere.
I was kinda shocked, and looked at Jonah and said to him “well, mom has learned a lesson and won’t do that again!”… When I looked up, no less then 10 women were walking around me, with either nothing or small purchases in their hands… 2 rolled their eyes at my mess, others looked the other way… and they all just hurried around me. And I slowly picked it all up, doing my best with a infant in my arms. . . since i couldn’t put him down anywhere.
I’m just wondering where were the Good Samaritan’s today in East Hanover’s Target? I know this could happen anywhere, I had similar experiences like this in Pennsylvania as well. Boston was said to be very rude too, but J and I had very opposite experiences and found people to be very helpful and polite, even friendly. I grew up though in Montana. People talk to you there, and smile, and I can’t help but thing that I would have had more then one person at Kalispell’s Target helping me pick up my mess.
Anyways, I want to be a Good Samaritan everywhere I go. I need eyes to see when someone needs help, and help them. I don’t want to blindly walk through my day, completely self focused on my own plan, needs, wants, and to do lists. Help me Lord to be open to opportunities to help others at any time.
4 comments October 24th, 2008
Some more videos…
So maybe he doesn’t liked to be called “Sunshine”?
He’s really learning to talk- all the sounds his voice makes. And certain times of the day he’ll practically talk your ear off… here’s a small sample:
ps. just to make sure you all know, when we post these videos: after you play them, the little videos underneath that come up are not ours… but random people who’ve posted on youtube, we wish youtube didn’t do this, but can’t make them stop.
1 comment October 18th, 2008